25 valuable lessons I learned from past relationships you need to know too
Breakups shouldn’t just be about the pain
Love and heartbreak are like two sides of the same coin. I believe there is a thin line between Love and heartbreak. When we get our heart-broken, it’s not because there is something wrong with love, it is because we fell for the wrong person, at the wrong time.
Unquestionably, breakups hurt, some more than others, but they hurt nevertheless. It does get better with time, because with time you will come to realise how wrong that person was for you, you dust yourself up, learn a few lessons and move on.
Here are 25 lessons I’ve learned from 3 failed relationships. I hope this helps someone out there, going through a breakup or even help someone find the courage to get out of a bad relationship.
You can not convince someone to love you
Sad as it sounds, it’s the truth and nothing but the truth. You cannot make anyone love you, try as you may. Love is not a feeling that can be bought, it cannot be threatened, and it cannot be bullied. You either love someone or you don’t.
Ever heard of ”I can’t make you love me by Priyanka Chopra”. There is a verse in the song that resonates with me every time it goes:
I can’t make you love me If you don’t,
You can’t make the heart feel something it won’t.
Have the courage to move on when some shows you that they don’t love you.
Don’t hurt yourself trying to get their approval
Let me ask you a question, you as a person, do you accept what you don’t like? Do you settle? This same goes for them, they either accept you the way you are or not at all. Don’t hurt yourself trying to make yourself into something they “might” approve of. Why would anyone get a fake when they can get the original? Don’t you know? That you are perfect in your imperfections and that you scars are the marks of a warrior?
If they appear disinterested, they are
I learned this the hard way, you don’t have to. If someone appears disinterested? It’s because they are. Nobody is too busy to make a phone call or send a text message to the person they are interested in. If getting them to call or send a message is like trying to pull nails with your teeth? They are disinterested.
No one is ever too busy to spend sometime with you
So you mean to tell me that person spends 60 minutes, 24 hours a day working or driving or whatever they are doing? No they don’t, you are just not a priority to them.
Listen to “Never to busy by kenny lattimore”, I’m not an expert or anything but I do know that you will find time to be with someone you love.
“If he wanted to be with you, he would. If he wanted to call you, he would. If he wanted to talk to you, he would. When someone is into you they make time for you. No matter how good of a woman you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready!!”
Stop thinking you can change or save someone
You can’t, you just can’t, If they are not what you want from the very beginning, don’t go into it thinking you can change them, you can’t. They have to want to change for themselves. For example I was dating a guy who snorts like a pig, I’m not even joking, at first I thought it was cold or something, but after spending some time around him, I realised it was not and he was comfortable with it too, not willing to change. Oh the horror!
Learn to say no unapologetically
If you mean to say no, then say it. Don’t allow anyone guilt you into saying yes to something you don’t want to do. I remember when I first started dating the first guy, I was highly impressionable, gullible too, I put myself in a situation where I felt like I had to say yes to the things I really wanted to say no to, by the time I realised my mistake, it was too late to change anything or I would appear to have double standards. By the time guy 2 rolled around I didn’t make that mistake, I made my stand firm the very beginning. My no was no, and my yes was yes. I had sentences like you are “uncompromising” and “you take life too seriously” thrown at me. But the end game was I was happy. So it was worth it
Don’t be afraid to Be single
Seriously thou, I used to be this person, the person who is afraid of not having someone to talk to, someone to call and all that, and that made me settle for relationships that were hugely beneath me. “But look at me now I’m all the way up and I swear you’ll never bring me down”
I’m sorry I play too much. If you are someone used to being in a relationship, then being single will be hard I won’t lie to you, but it’s not impossible, I’m a living proof. But you are doing yourself a huge favour by choosing to be single, instead of giving away parts of your heart to different people who don’t deserve to even walk the same path as you.
Being single take determination, it takes strength and gives you joy, happiness, and makes you realise how much more you truly deserve.
A song that really helped me is “I will survive by Gloria Gaynor”
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along
And so you’re back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second you’d be back to bother me
Go on now, go. Walk out the door
Just turn around now ’cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I’d crumble?
Did you think I’d lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
Trust your intuition
Are you internal alarms screaming bloody murder at the sight of someone? Run!!! Learn to trust your instincts, if they tell you something is wrong or off, then something is definitely wrong.
You come first
I hear a lot of “my boyfriend this, my girlfriend that”. Please, gimme a break. What about you? What about your dreams, wants aspirations? What about you?!!! Learn to put yourself first.
Any relationship that make you feel you have to be someone else in order to “fit in” or “belong” is not right for you. I don’t know what you are thinking.
Just because you love each other doesn’t mean you are right for each other
Let me ask you a question. You love some guy and I’m sure he loves you too, but you are always fighting and cussing at each other, does that feel right to you? I loved guy number one and I’m sure in his own way he loved me too. But he smokes, drinks and cannot stay faithful to one woman. We loved each other, we did, but eventually that love could not fill the gap his actions created.
Heartbreak can be a source of inspiration and creativity
Look at Taylor swift, she has many best-selling songs that were a product of her heart breaks. Did you know you can find light in that darkness? Heartbreak number 3 made me start the blog I have been postponing for 4 years.
No matter what it feels like at the moment your heartbreak isn’t the end of the world
This is the end of the word as you know it. No it not, it’s the beginning of a new phase, of a new understanding, of a new you. No matter how you feel now, it will get better, I know it will. You will wake up one day and realise you don’t think about them every minute, then you graduate to thinking of them once in 60 minutes, then once in a few hours, then once in a day, then a week, then a month, then one day you wake up and think of them not with hurt, but with indifference. That’s growth people.
Your heart will go on
Have you never heard “Celine Dion you heart will go on?” It’s true, you will find moments and things to fill the void they left behind and eventually you will find someone to permanently fill that space that feels like it never will heal.
If they are not what you want before the relationship begins? Run!! Don’t be like me, thinking guy number 3 snorting was as a result of cold and that it will change. Nope it didn’t.
If you want something say it, don’t just sit around expecting it to somehow happen. No one can read minds and while we can agree that some people are amazingly obtuse and clueless. A lot of people won’t know what you want unless you speak up.
Don’t fall in love with potentials
Please I beg you don’t. Don’t fall in love with a man who has the potential to stop smoking, or be a better man or by some miracle stop hitting you.
No you are not asking for too much, there is a man for every woman, hold out for your own man.
When they show you who they are believe them
There is a saying where I come from Behaviour is like smoke, you can’t hide it. Let’s say you were arguing and they called you ugly. It’s not a mistake, it’s what they are truly thinking. After all a person tells you the truth when they are angry with you.
If this man hits you the first time, run!!! He is not going to stop, don’t listen to some nonsense apology about how angry they were blah blah.
You are not and should never be anyone’s entertainment
Some men call their “girlfriend” when they are bored, or they want to see you when their other chic is out-of-town and they need a warm body. You are not, I repeat you are not anyone’s entertainment. You deserve better, hold out for it.
Never, ever stay in an abusive relationship
Abuse can be physical or psychological, don’t accept either one.
Have converstions not fights
I learned this too late, when I get upset I lock up, I sulk around the house and just give you the evil eye. Then when I decide to talk I’ve held it in for too long and I just explode like literally I just yell and shout. And we know that’s the recipe for a fight. Don’t do that, if someone does something to upset you, tell them Asap. Have conversations like adults, don’t be immature like I was, luckily, I’ve grown out of that phase.
You don’t need a reason to leave
You don’t, I repeat, you do not need a reason to leave a relationship you are unhappy in. I hear some ladies say I am just looking for a reason to leave or I’m waiting for him to offend me. My last relationship ended because he annoyed me, like literally he said something I didn’t like and I left, he thought I was joking, he learned the hard way that I wasn’t.
You need boundaries, because you would think that some guys have the common sense to determine what isn’t acceptable and what is not, in a relationship, but not all of them are that smart. So yes, go ahead and define your boundaries.
Being alone isn’t better than being in a bad relationship
Lastly, I already said this earlier, don’t be afraid of being single. Being single beats being in a bad relationship every time.
These are some of the lessons I learned from my past relationships, I would love to read yours too!! Leave them in the comments section for me
Remember to find strength in your scars.